September 30 - Some days are a special moment in time.

 September 30, 2024.

It is hard to believe it's well into another year already. Many things have happened, and yet in the grand scheme of things many things have stayed the same. My daughter and Marshall are still living with me. things have gotten better, Rebecca is working at 7-11 so she is bringing in income... she helps a bit... but it's usually, "Here is $100 toward what I owe you." And then, later in the week, "Dad, can you loan me $30 so I can get my medicine and some cereal."  But overall... it hasn't been the total drain on me with no real regard as to what happened to me. I'll take that as positive, so let's hope things continue to improve.

 Marshall has been getting a stream of design jobs which he is really good at... and usually when he gets paid he has been helping me with food and things. He also helps around the house for which I constantly tell him he really improves the quality of my life.

A moment in time...

Today is a day that really affected me... enough for me to sit here and write something in my blog... I haven't  really had much to say, but today is a day I will remember.

I was on the airplane flying out to Atlanta on route to Mississippi, the aircraft was not too crowded so there were several open seats. Usually when this happens, I end up sitting alone, but sometimes two of us share the row. Today was one of those days, and I expected a typical flight, me putting my headset on and just zoning out to my music.

The person who sat with me was someone I would describe as a very lovely woman...  a genuine naturally beautiful woman. I smiled and went into my usual routine of listening to my music just passing the time away. I remember looking up at her for a moment, and wondering what kind of incredible life she must have. I went back to my music not expecting much more from the flight.

I was listening to AFI, Sing The Sorrow,  particularly the song: But home is nowhere. The song starts out about a theater play and how the show being bought out, he is angry, "How did I ever end up here? Then several minutes into the song it changes completely... it talks about the changes of time through the years... a reflection... and then at a full 8:08 into the song, it changes again... a part that I like, sad but reflective... it is actually not part of this song, although the flow is seamless.  

This time imperfect.

THIS TIME IMPERFECT

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay, 

 Forever haunted, more than afraid, 

 Asphyxiate on words I would say, 

I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue, 

There are no flowers, no not this time, 

They'll be no angels gracing the lines, 

Just these stark words, I find, 

I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak, 

I'd share with you could I only speak, 

Just how much this, hurts me. 

 

 It goes some more and he says...

 

I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak, 

I'd share with you could I only speak, 

Just how much this hurts me, 

Just how much this hurts me, 

Just how much you...

 When that part of the song came on, I felt a deep pain in my heart. Not a physical pain; an emotional and spiritual pain. A shared pain. It shook me and I had to take off my headset.

I glanced over and noticed a tiny flicker, a tear sparkle in the light as it trickled down the cheek of the lady sitting next to me.

It overwhelmed me.

I don't know her, I've never seen her before, but I felt a connection... I have no idea why, haunting.

There was no thought, no hesitation in my actions, I watched as if I were a spectator, my arm lifting up, and landing gently on her shoulder... and I heard the words softly come out of my mouth, "Sweetheart, are you okay?"

I thought I would likely get slapped or brushed off... but abundant tears fell from her eyes and she said in a weak voice...

"I'm fine except that my life is falling apart."

This cut through me like a knife... I felt like I was connected in some way I cannot explain...  I yearned to help her, to hold her tightly and tell her everything would be alright. 

It was  not alright. Her husband had been cheating on her, he is an alcoholic, is abusive, and at one point had hit her hard enough that he had broken her jaw. I can not imagine this... I just cannot... she had gotten out of the house and into an apartment... and I was so very thankful for that... knowing she was safe... someone I never met... it meant a lot to me.

We talked the entire flight... I told her some of the highlights and tribulations that I had been through... and I offered that even if you go through bad times... good things can still happen.

I learned that she plays guitar and piano... I had a feeling she was a creative soul... and we talked about our children, now grown, and our dogs. We talked about a lifetime adventures, and challenges.

I told her that she is a very special person, more than she realizes... that someone she is with should cherish her and and be thankful every day that she is in their life. I gave her my contact info, and I said, 

"You have a choice; if you want someone to talk with, just let me know and I will be there. If you just want to toss this away, then that too is your choice. Nobody should ever tell you what to do or who to be."

I don't know why I felt such a strong connection to her... it makes no sense... but I needed her to know that at least someone in this world really cared about her. She may think I was just some strange man, perhaps I am. But I cannot change the way I am... or more correctly, I choose not to change.

When the flight was over, her heart seemed a bit lighter, and I hoped that perhaps we had made some positive light in her day. Honestly, I was sad to go, knowing that she would likely just end up being a  a memory of a special moment in my life.

I said, "I don't even know your name."

She said, "Ruth".

My heart lifted a little, and I remember saying, "Please let me know that you got home safely Ruth."

I still feel the effect of all of this... at 10:30pm... long after it all transpired... I find myself still thinking of her, wanting to tell her she's got this... she is going to be okay. 

And my heart is just wanting to know she is safe.

There are certain days in my life that come back in my memories... I have no doubt this will be one of those days... just hoping that I helped a soul in need. 

Yet perhaps never really knowing.

Hummm... I think that is the hard part, not knowing...  I find it haunting. I have heard nothing else, and it saddens me honestly... but I did not take her info so that I could not force myself upon her. If she writes, it is by her choice alone.

I hope your life is a great one Ruth... you have so much to give, and you deserve the only the best.

 Hugs.

 

 

Father's Day - 2023 - A day from hell

 Today and yesterday were rough. I mean, they physically and mentally drained me. I am writing this just to get everything down as I remember it... because it is so unbelievable.

About a year and a half ago my daughter Rebecca was on the streets. She had made some very bad choices and for awhile this meant she was sleeping under the stairs in an abandoned building. My daughter.

I arranged for her to come here, I even gave her the master bedroom. This is the room I was using when guests came over... a full size tub, a shower, a place to sit and put on your makeup. It has a queen sized bed, large TV, nightstands that are tied into the smart house so you can tell it "goodnight" and they will fade out so you can sleep. Everything was the best that I had.

She said that she wanted to work, so I let her use my second car... my personal favorite, a Pontiac Vibe that I bought in 2003. Even though it was an older car, it ran well, the AC was ice cold, and it got good gas mileage.

I told her, "Rebecca, I usually drive less than 9000 miles (14,000 km) in the course of a year. I said at that rate, this car should last about 7 more years... or at least 5. Just take care of it. I spent $400 to get new tires on the car. In less than a month this is what I had to deal with.

That was last year... she had a flat... instead of stopping she drove until she smelled smoke. This was the result. We got it repaired and I explained that she had to stop if that happened. I have AAA Insurance... All it needs is a phone call and I can get help.

Not long after that, she had a problem with the car... did she call the insurance? No, she hitch-hiked home and left the car on the side of the road. I called AAA insurance, but now it was during the busy part of the day. Someone had to be at the car to meet the tow truck... so I had to drive there and wait because Rebecca didn't do what I requested the night before... so at 9:00 am I got there and sat in the hot sun waiting... 90 minutes... No tow truck. I called again, they said they were running late, it would be another hour. I waited... nothing. Twice more this occurred... I was hungry and they were not supposed to come for at least another TWO hours, so I drove to a nearby restaurant to get a meal at about 3:30 in the afternoon after sitting in the hot Texas sun all day.

As soon as my food was served, the tow truck called and said he would be there in a few minutes. I explained what happened, and said I was going to be 30 minutes, and in an angry voice he said he would not wait long. I got there and he towed the car to the repair center... but it was a longer distance than what the insurance pays, so $50 later we finally got to the repair center.

I put $2500 into the repair. I wanted her to be safe, I wanted her to be able to work.

I told her to only drive when she needed to... but she didn't care... she would drive to Galveston TX and back... then get bored and drive to North Austin... I had installed a Bouncie GPS tracker so if she got stuck I would know where. It often showed 500 miles in a single day (800 km). I told her several times not to do that... did she listen? No. The Bouncie Tracker showed that on some days she made as many as 19 trips... in a single day. 

.

To put this in perspective, I might go to the grocery store, then later stop by the drug store to get my medicine, and maybe go out to get a meal... 3 trips. 10 miles (16km) total. She routinely ran 90 miles (145km) in a single day.

At first, she asked me to pay for gas... and I finally said no. I cannot afford to give you $200 a week in gas money. No! She found ways of getting money... and for the most part didn't ask for any.

So let's go to yesterday, June 17th, the day before Father's day.

She has issues... she thinks the world is out to get her... she can be delusional... loose track of reality.

 She thinks strange things. 

She called me and said, "somebody pumped all the gas out of the car, I think it might have been the government to keep me for going anywhere." You and I would see the simple fact... she did not check the gas gauge and was on empty, the light came on. When the warning light comes on, the car can go about 16 miles (25km) before it stops. She asked me to send her $30 for gas. I sent $20... enough to get her home and leave about 1/4 tank as a spare.

Did she come home? 

No. She drove to Austin... 40 miles away. And then a bit later she said the car was running bad... and pulled out the GPS tracker... she said, "Dad, the tracker is causing the problems, are you too dumb to understand that?"  I now had no idea where she was. There was a location showing, but it was 6 hours old, and the tracker showed as disconnected.  I told her the tracker was not causing an issue... it only reads the data from the car. I got her to put it in after a 20 minute argument... the car had a CYLINDER 3 MALFUNCTION warning... listed as "do not drive" as it can cause engine problems such as damage to the timing belt, etc.

She had texted me for early in the morning on the 17th, asking for money... but before I could get downstairs to my phone I had recieved an alert... "THIS IS THE BANK - DID YOU JUST ATTEMPT TO CONNECT YOUR DEBIT CARD TO APPLE PAY?"

I answered NO... and they immediately called me... I had to lock the card, and they said they would send another card. The person was not able to activate it because I have great fraud protection. Then guess what???

"THIS IS THE BANK - DID YOU JUST ATTEMPT TO CONNECT YOUR DEBIT CARD TO APPLE PAY?"

No! It was my other card... same thing... I handled them... and did some research... there was a phone number associated with the attempted hack... it was Rebecca's Phone.

Instead of contacting me first... she had written down my debit card numbers and was attempting to attach her account to MY DEBIT account... to steal money from me.

I asked her about that... asked why she would do that to me? 

Here is what she said... actual copy from the text message...

I told u I believe someone in my phone. someone stole my new grey phone. That has my number and accounts and photos. I do not have Apple Pay. I don't know what Apple Pay is.. I tried to apply for it and they declined me.

A month before, when I was in California... there were bills for Pizza Hut and Apple Pay for her Spotify account, the pizza was delivered to my house, and the other charges were all associated with her, my card had been attached to her account, I found $210 in activity that I reported. 

So really? Another blatant lie.

 I told her  to call the insurance... and wait for the tow truck... even though I knew this was going to be a $150 tow. Did she? No. She pulled the Bouncie tracker out and decided to drive. I had no idea where or how far. She would not answer my calls or texts.

It was now about midnight... I went to bed, nothing I could do... just wait and see how it all played out. It was very stressful, at about 3am I finally got to sleep.

So now Father's Day... June 18th, before sunrise...

At 5:15AM I hear a noise downstairs... still half asleep, I say, "Hello? Is anyone here??" No answer... well, I went downstairs... and I noticed the bathroom light was on and her jacket was on the table. I looked at my video camera... she came in, went to the bathroom, and went out. I tried to call... of course, no answer.

Several hours later she came home... around 10am I think...like nothing had happened, saying in a cheery voice, "Happy Father's Day!"

As I said, she gets delusional... I tried to talk with her... she went on about how congress and the white house were tapping her phone, and stealing her money... and messing with her bank records, and that I must be stealing money from her. Her father... stealing from her... after having her stay here rent free.

That was not what I expected to hear on Father's Day...

Then she went on saying that she knew she grew up here in Texas where I live, but she said she grew up with with her real parents... not me... and that I was a government plant, a fake parent. 

In reality, she grew up in Gretna Louisiana... she had never been to Texas until I brought her here last year. I even tried showing her childhood pictures. She said they were all faked by the government with Photoshop.

How do you suppose that made me, her father, feel on Father's Day?

I compose myself... I say that I will go with her, and we will put gas in the car... and get it home safely. It is on the side of the road about 10 miles (16km) away. 

She swore that she never got the $20 that I sent the day before... let's think about this... She was 6 miles South of me (10km) and she KNEW she had a nearly empty tank... if she did NOT get the money... why would she drive right past the house, and go an additional 40 miles (64 km) then attempt to drive another 40 miles (64km) home... KNOWING she had only a 16 mile (25km) total maximum range??? 

We get to the car and she hands me the gas can... it's got no cap, no hose. No way to put gas into the car... and you can't drive with an open gas can... it would spill all over. This meant I had to drive to Walmart, purchase a gas can, then drive back to the car again.

I decided that since there was a restaurant next to Walmart... we would get lunch, then take care of the car as it was very hot 100F / 38C and we both needed hydration. We got lunch, and I spent $26 on a new gas can... then filled it, and headed to the car. We put gas in the car and I told her to drive home, but go slow or engine damage could occur.

I has stopped on the service road and walked a few hundred feet through the weeds to where the car was... after putting gas in the car, I had to walk back to my car then drive. I got home with about 20 minutes later, and after 10 more minutes... still no Rebecca. I tried calling, no answer. 

I tried looking at the tracker, disconnected. No idea. Did she break down? Was she hurt? 

I left a text, "I thought you were coming home... where are you? Did you break down?"

Then I get a text after about 1/2 hour later... 

Did I have to come home? Got my boy looking at the car although it's running great. He's gonna check stuff for me.

About three hours later she came home. When she went to her bedroom, I went to the car... I started it and went around the block... it was NOT running fine. I decided that I had enough... I disabled the car so it would not start. 

I figured that I would fix the car, sign the car over to her... she would have to be responsible for the insurance, the inspections, her tolls, getting the car repaired, etc. If not the police and her would be involved when she had no plates, and her choices would have consequences. But I would be removed from that liability.

Now here is the really weird shit... as if it was not strange enough already.

I live on a hill... a substantial hill with a curving road leading down to the pool and then to the lake. Ok... top of the hill... and it goes DOWN from my house... got that mental picture?

She gets in the car after I told her not to drive it... tries to start it... and of course it does not start. I figured that would end it... perhaps an argument, then I could deal with things. 

So what does she do??? 

She puts the car in NEUTRAL and pops the brake. Let me explain that to you... the car has POWER BRAKES... they work when the ENGINE IS RUNNING. The car has POWER STEERING, it works when the ENGINE IS RUNNING. I have disabled the car from being able to start...

Without the engine running... you need 3x the force to turn the steering wheel. You need to use 2x the force to pump the brakes... and they do not work well.

So... she puts the car in NEUTRAL and starts coasting BACKWARDS down the hill. BACKWARDS!

She is going 30mph / 48kph down the winding road... BACKWARDS... with cars on either side. She only had a few feet /2m on either side... more than that and she would hit another car. And if any kids were in the streets... she would have hit them.

Somehow... she got all the way to the pool area... past all the kids... and pulled to a stop at the end of the road. thankfully, she hit nothing.

I drove down there and caught up with her... I told her to give me the car keys. She said NO!  I said, "it's my car, my rules and you need to stop... give me the car keys!" She said, "No! Fuck You! I have places I need to go." I said, where are you going now? She said, "To the other pool, I need to get away from you."

The other pool is about 1/4 mile (0.4km) away... so I let her go. That was at 4pm. It is now midnight, I just heard her come in the door, walk to her bedroom, and lock the door.

Those actions all forced my hand... so I have a few things I must do now...

Here is what is happening now... she has forced my hand. I must get the car out of my name... and if left here, she may try doing stupid things like this again. I cannot have that responsibility, and I am not going to pay several hundred dollars to repair the car... she has severely abused it... the passenger mirror it torn off, the inside of the car is filled with half-eaten food and empty cans, it is horrible.

I cannot keep the car... she will just drive it until failure, and do stupid things that I cannot be accountable for. I have hidden my car keys to the second car, the one that I'm driving now, so she will not be able to steal mine. 

Because she did not surrender the keys to the other car after the pool incident... I had to make a hard decision... my friend and I drove the car to a secret location and parked it. 

In the morning (Monday, June 19) I will call the Make-A-Wish organization and donate the car to them. They will either fix it and sell it, or destroy it and sell it for scrap... it was my favorite car that has worked well for me all this time. I'm very sad about that... I was certain I would have the car at least another 5 years... and it would be nice to have a spare if the other car had problems.

Such was Father's Day... very difficult... draining... strange.

June 18, Midnight... all my body hurts... my head hurts. I have no energy... totally physically and mentally drained. And tomorrow I have to deal with all this stuff... I have to call my new boss and tell him I need more time off work on a busy day to handle my own personal hell.

There is so much other stuff that I didn't put into this post... about 40 text files where she is talking about strange impossible things... and conversations while we were driving about imaginary planets in the solar system that she can control with her mind... I just do not know how to deal with this.

But by getting rid of the car, and canceling the insurance on it... I do not have to worry about her getting into an accident and me being liable for all the damages and if she ever hurt or killed someone.

 She will need to figure out how to get where she wants to go... I have no idea how she will get to work 40 miles away... but I no longer care.When she realizes the car is gone she will be screaming at me to take her to work (a 75mile / 120km drive round trip) then in 8 hours go do it again... not going to happen. Sorry. No. So I have that to look forward to today... on top of getting my car inspected and getting ready for yet another business trip.

I tried to work with her... I think I was reasonable... even beyond anything most people would ever do. But I can't do it anymore.

So yeah.. Happy Father's Day From Hell to me.

 

April 2023 - Los Angeles, California

 My boss asked me to go to California for a little bit in MARCH of 2023... I thought I would go home around the first week of APRIL.

NOPE.

Now it appears that I will be here until at least May 21st or there about, and potentially come back for part of JUNE.  I don't mind a little trip... but dang... two months? Possibly 3??? I'm trying to keep myself engaged... I made two little trips so far.

I went to the La Brea Tar Pits, then went to the Saint Monica Pier. They are both pretty short videos, not my best work... but i think they are still entertaining.

Today was a real pain in the ass... I got not one but TWO violation notices in email that need to be addressed... only 12 days to do them... which means I'm not going to get back in time. So I have to rely on my buddy Wolf Dilworth to do it for me. I'm so glad I have good friends. I would be lost without them. (Seriously)

Then... Google (I have Google Nest) reported that my air conditioner failed and that the house was over 87F or 30.5C. No fun at all. So I need to call the repair place and get them out there soon. I feel bad for Rebecca and Maggie Maie being stuck in there. I turned the heat on, and set it to 60F or 15.6C which sounds odd... but it means the system will be active WITHOUT the A/C unit trying to run. So I can set the internal fans to run for 12 hours... at least circulate the air a bit and cool it a few degrees. It should be 65F or 18.3C tonight... so if she opens a window and the fan is running... it should pull it down a few degrees.

 So yeah... that is where I am on this the 15th day of April, 2023.

 

It's 2023 and already part way through the year.

 Things at work changed when I was migrated from doing the in-building communications to working on the data that goes into the radios used by police, fire, and EMS. We get a lot of work, but I am fairly good at it, and the stress levels are much lower.

It is like leaving a job driving a fast car on a slippery ice covered road, to working on a farm where things are not as fast-paced. The job can be boring at times, but the stress levels are much lower.

A hurricane hit Eve pretty hard and damaged the CNC machine she had there. It rained on it for three days destroying the surface and causing issues with the electronics. I offered to help her rebuild it, but she decided that she would rather start doing ceramics. She gave the machine to me.

My buddy Wolf and I drove to New Orleans to get the machine, and I have been working on it since then. It is operational, however there are a couple of tweaks I want to make before I consider it finished.

I am still working with my students, four of them have decided they wanted to have a web page, so I purchased the domains and installed them on my server. I told them they they had to create their own page, and if they didn't do anything with it, I would stop supporting it. Three of my students are making progress and have made some great accomplishments. The last person is making excuses and has done nothing so far. I am disappointed that he is not even trying.

I gave them all the tools they need to succeed... it is up to them now. Three are working hard to learn, one is complaining that it is too difficult and hard. I explained to him, this is why people can charge $5000 to create a web page. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

It is spring now, the grass, weeds, and vines will start to grow... I will  need to do more yard work so that I do not get into trouble with the HOA. I honestly wish my daughter would help me. She lives here rent free... I ask for nothing. Some help would really be appreciated. I miss not having a life partner.

We had another ice storm here in Kyle Texas, not as bad as the other ones, but it did cover everything. I tried to show my students in Africa, and they asked me, "Did it turn the leaves on the trees white?" So I made another short video to show them what happened.

Hopefully that explained it to them better.

August 1, 2022 - Meh.

 I haven't written here for a while so I thought I would jot down some things... just a short post really.

To keep myself occupied I have been tinkering in VRCHAT, and I learned that I could do some cinematic effects using the streaming camera within the game. 

 Just me driving around and testing the different views... it was a fun experiment. I'd like to think I'll come up with an idea of a short film or something... probably not... who knows.

My daughter Rebecca came to live with me, money has been tight... I don't think she has a concept that I pay for everything. That gets a bit stressful. Today she left a note that she was going to Galveston TX... basically a 4-hour drive... 8-hours round trip on my 2003 Pontiac Vibe. Then texts me that she has a dead battery and no money for gas. I'm tired of dealing with stress.

Work has been another stress that I don't need. It's like I can't stay focused... I'm working on very complex projects and I get, "hurry up" or in the middle of my day I get pulled to two other projects then back, and I forget things. It's bad enough that they are having me stop design work and do training videos and stuff. I mean, yeah, that's easy work... but I feel like I'm being put out to pasture.

The kicker is, I just refinanced my house... it should give me a $300 a month break... but Rebecca is pulling $400 to $700 and I just can't support that. And, my house won't be paid off until I'm 92. (Yeah... like I'm gonna make it that long.)

It's hard to realize the best part of your life was so-so for the most part... and now you are in decline. I don't know what I am going to do to break this feeling... but I feel like the part that is "me" is starting to fade away leaving a shell. That is simply not survivable... something needs to change.

I took some pride in a school in Africa where I was helping to teach many students... for a couple years I supported them as much as I could... sending a 3D printer, Oculus, digital projector, and cameras so they could do YouTube videos. I couldn't get them to do regular videos... I wanted to get them to the point where they had an income... but always excuses. Always some reason for not doing things.

The final straw was that the leader of the school was doing some things that I consider to be unethical. So I'm done with them permanently. I have some independent students I'm trying to help... but as I said, with Rebecca here I am severely limited now.

So yeah... pretty much where I'm at right now.

December 13, 2020

 

I finally got my first cataract surgery on my right eye, and in a couple weeks I'll have the other one done as well. The eye is healing up nicely... not quite clear enough to read with yet, but between the two of them my brain is able to filter it enough to read on my low resolution monitor... so I think I can get some work done.

Actually, I can read my high resolution monitor... but it does take more concentration. I'm hoping that by the time I get my other eye done this one will be even better... otherwise I may or may not be able to read the screen. But this is the highlight of 2020... finally getting my eye fixed.

My friend Elle came over from New Jersey to care for me, which was a wonderful thing as I needed help driving, and doing basic stuff the day after. Eve presumed that since Elle was not male, I "must" be wanting to jump into bed with her... and so she broke up with me, refused any calls, and blocked me on Facebook. I'm realizing now that I need to purge people like Eve and Carol from my life... I have tried to be there for them, and tried to work out a relationship... but it simply doesn't work.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, then expecting a different result. I theorize therefore that I have been insane the last 20 or so years. Time for a change.

And for the record... No... Elle and I didn't do anything... she is a wonderful friend, she cares about me, but she and i are on different paths. 

I'm not sure where life will take me... I love to imagine that I could find someone... but after three times... five if you count the second tries... I think I'm destined to be alone. Sad but so.

August 1, 2020 - Another chapter

Just a short post tonight, Josh didn't really care for what i was saying would happen when i came home... not staying in my room, bringing Maggie Mae back to the house, etc. So he jumpped on an airplane to Seattle.

I got home last night, July 31... and today i am starting a new chapter... me living alone. I have an 1892 SqFt, or 175.7 Sq Meter house with a 0.177 Acre or 716.3 Sq Meter yard... with just me living here alone.

So I'm doing everything... maintenance, gardening, cleaning, cooking, working, you name it. Just me.

Not what I signed up for at 60. I thought I would be winding down... getting ready for retirement. Nope... starting over again. Not what I expected.

I guess I'll see what happens next. I'm really going to miss during a thunder storm saying to my partner... "would you listen to that!"... or coming home and walking in the door saying, "honey, I'm home!"

At least when Maggie mae is here it won't be quite so quiet... I'll have some companionship. All this and COVID19 too... not a great year by any stretch of the imagination. But hey... I'll set up my photography gear in my old room... maybe bring my robotics stuff into the dining room... invest myself into doing some robotics and electronics... making videos... keeping my mind too busy to think about it all.

I hope so anyway.

My life... the roller coaster...

So life just keeps me guessing... over and over again.

Set the wayback machine for aa couple of months ago... I was in San Francisco working on a project and Eve and I called each other a few times. We had both missed each other and the way life was going she was under stress because two of the machines she uses to make a living were offline.

I wasn't very happy with how things had gone between is, but I thought that since I had moved Carol on, I would be honorable and care for her the rest of my life. It wasn't going to be exciting... but I thought it would be at least stable... and that Eve and I would at best remain friends.

Then... if you read my last blog... life sort of hit a blender... again.

As the project was reaching a pause... and I had a couple of weeks before needing to be at the next location, I decided to go to New Orleans to visit my friend George. We played with the Oculus... and of course... George had to sit down at the piano...

I also figured that I could visit my daughter and Eve while there. My daughter was supposed to come over... then at the last minute said she was sick. (I feel that she just didn't want to see me... so I'll try again on the next trip,)

But as for Eve and I... well... we are getting back together... but not in a traditional way. She will live in New Orleans, and I will live in Texas. Not sure how it will all work out... but we will give it a shot.

So we will see how this all goes. And trust me... I have no idea at all... it looks promising... but I'll just say that I am optimistic... and holding my breath... again.

Yes indeed... life is interesting at the very least.

Carol left for Washington

I'm in Louisiana visiting Eve and George... attempting to relax and have a vacation.

Or in theory anyway.

Josh starts screaming at Carol... she told him that if he didn't stop the abuse she would call 911. He took her cell phone away. Now for her, this is her life-line... her text to friends, her other son, etc. Ben (her other son) attempted to get in contact with her... after getting no answer to her text, or a reply from Josh that he had taken the phone phone away "for her protection"... Ben had to call the house phone to reach her.

Once he found this out, Ben called the the Kyle Police to handle the situation.

So yeah... imagine 2 or 3 police card at mu house... neighbors must have had a pretty good show... Josh and carol locked the door and refused to let them in... they talked through a window that was open... until the police came within 6 feet of the window to hear better... at which time Josh and Carol felt they were at COVID19 risk and slammed the window shut.

About that time I got the call from the police while at Home Depot getting stuff to fix Eve's sandblasting equipment.

Yeah... that's always a fun phone call to get... when the police call to see what to do at your house. 

Ok... so then Carol tells the police, "Nothing happened... it's all good." This right after both Ben and I had given the police the story as to what life has been like there for her... she basically called us liars... so we had enough. She lied to me and said she was going to fly to Seattle in the morning... I called Ben... he had not booked a ticket... Carol said she was "looking for a flight". We were like... if you didn't feel threatened... you would not be saying that you were looking for a flight. Right?

She was caught backing out of her story... no backbone to follow through... Ben and I were fustrated and tired of the situation. We had a conversation about it.

So that was the last straw... Ben bought a plane ticket, I called my cab driver to pick her up at 5am... and off she went to Seattle.

NEVER to return. I'm done. I'm going to attempt to maintain any sanity I still have.

Josh thinks he and I can live in harmony... I'll give him a shot... but honestly... when I get back I doubt he will last a week. In all likelihood I will end up going to the court to evict him and I'll be the "bad guy" as usual. I don't know where he will go... hopefully he will get some help... but i can no longer "live" like this. I'm not going to do it.

But then perhaps I'll heave peace.

Unless... you know... it's 2020 and a meteor hits the house or I get COVID19, or Yellowstone explodes.

I'm taking bets on Yellowstone for August... yeah?

Another case of the universe just exploding under me.

Another case of the universe just exploding under me.

2020 hits like any other year and I start off with some optimism that Josh (Carol's son) will find what he is looking for, move on, and that Carol and I can get back to a somewhat normal life, me working to support the house, her tinkering in the garden, a reasonable existence... perhaps some travel, friends coming over after the pandemic winds down... a return to a normal lifestyle.

NOPE

Carol tells me that she feels that she is getting older and needs special care... no doubt brought on my Josh constantly telling her that she is feeble and incompetent. Little things set him off in a major way. She is making soup and sits the spoon on the counter for example... he will go into a yelling spree telling her that she is a "stupid cunt incapable of doing even the most simple things"... because she didn't sit the spoon on a plate instead of the countertop. Then, make her throw the dinner away because she was an idiot and "contaminated" it.

I've tried to intervene... and I need to get him out of the house as soon as possible... the two are deteriorating at an alarming speed. I just got an email from her that she will be leaving me... that her other son Ben who lives in Seattle will be buying a house soon, and will put her in the existing condo with either live-in health care or on-call nursing assistants. Financially he is totally capable of supporting this. Because Josh has deemed her "unfit to live with someone as irresponsible as me".

So that means that once again I will be left alone to face life in an empty house. In a house that I have worked hard to make a home, with a garden that I helped her to make into something that she liked. A place that we painted and worked on to remake it ours... And for what?

I just finished up about a month in San Francisco, and have landed in Oregon for another project. I should be here about a week and return to home. But I don't want to. I just do not want to be there... not with them.. not with all the issues they bring into the equation. 

They are so germ-aphobic that even after being sequestered there a week, I am expected to text them if I need to use the bathroom so that they can scurry into their rooms and shut the door lest I infect them. And I am not allowed to enter the kitchen so that I don't contaminate it. Even the act of me opening my office door is a major infraction upon their welfare. And now... I no longer care what they think. So when I return... hell will be unleashed.

 

I haven't been able to be with my dog since about March 16, and we are rolling into July in a couple of days. Their reasoning is that there is a 1% chance I could be a carrier, and there is a 1% chance that Maggie Mae might transmit that to Carol, and subsequently there is a 1% chance she could catch COVID19, and if so, a 1.2% chance that she could die. And because there is a 0.000012% chance this action could kill her... the poor dog must be sequestered in the bedroom all day except to go to the bathroom. It's horrible.

 

 

I just got a call from Carol today that Maggie May must be given away... because she is depressed and showing signs of stress. I told them, "NO KIDDING!" Maggie is used to freely roaming the house, coming up to visit me, sleeping at my feet and getting loved on. We often run into my bedroom for a 15 minute nap and cuddle session... then she is used to going down to the sofa to lay in the afternoon sun, and later going into Carol's bedroom to nap. If she wants to go outside, she would tell me... and sometimes be 10 minutes, while other times spend hours out there.

 But no... for them this cannot happen. Assholes. I cannot reason with them... Josh has corrupted her way of thinking far beyond anything I can ever hope to repair. And now I don't want to. I just want them out.

The best I can do is have them give Maggie May to my friend Wolf to bring to his house... and after I flush my place of their presence, Have him bring her home to me. I am home for often a month or two... then go for a week and rerun for another month. This series of long extended trips is very unusual. So when I go for only a week... he can watch her for me. Mostly at his place, then bring her with him when he gets my mail so that she can run around in HER HOME as she is used to doing.

This is tearing me up inside.

I'm working very hard to concentrate on my work, to be a good employee, to get the job done. Perhaps it is the only reason I am still sane... I have something to focus on other than the deep pit my life has become.

All I can do at this point is keep volunteering for any and all travel to avoid going to "the house" which I cannot at this point call "a home" until I either must return, or they have moved out. I feel that I have enough to remain on the road until August. Instead of flying home after this project, I will likely visit my friends and family in New Orleans until my next project. It is an advantage I have of being able to work anywhere there is internet except for field work. At that point when I do return to the house... I am not going to be the same calm person who puts up with way more than I ever should. I'm not going to take it. I will fight for what is mine... even literally if needed. It may come down to calling the police and having them remove the infestation.

All I wanted in life was a partner to have my back... someone I could trust, a friend, a confidant, someone to work with as a team to take care of the things around the home, both of us working for a common goal of a good life. A partner.

Seriously... is that really too much to ask for?

About the only good news in this cycle is that I was able to learn enough programming and design to create my own world in VRCHAT. It gives me something to focus on that is not painful, and not work related. Being in a hotel for hours on end you need something to break up the loneliness or it will take it's toll on you.

 

 

Another Year... time to catch you up.

May 2020
It's another year... let me catch you up.


Mitch

 Just before the lock-downs started, I was in San Fransisco and found out one of my best friends, Mitch was also within an hour or so from where I was. Mitch had moved to Hawaii and I thought my chances of seeing him again were very slim... but there he was and i had a free weekend.

It was wonderful to see my buddy again... and I made sure I got there early. We had a great breakfast together and hung out until much later. It was wonderful to just be myself again.


We had a great time. He was there because he has a classic VW Buss that he is doing a restoration on.

The place he was at does this exclusively... so it was an amazing place to be helping my buddy work on his bus. He has two huge YouTube pages, and has a running series on the bus as he restores it. I'll be in the future videos as we were doing quite a bit that rainy day.

Me

I have changed a bit, having been under lockdown from March 16 until May 17 I lost 35 pounds, and since nobody was going to see my face... I grew a beard. When I shaved it off... so many people said to grow it back... that I started again. As I type this... it's already pretty close now.

I'm in San Fransisco working on a very large project... and as fate would have it, again I am near friends that I have missed for quite a long time, and I've made new friends who happen to be in the same area or at least close by. I'll keep safe distance, and use a mask... but I am very hopeful that we can get together and catch up, or in the case of my new friends... get to know each other even better.

VRCHAT

I have also made some incredible friends in VRCHAT lately... it is an amazing place with some incredible people if you are lucky enough to find them. I was very fortunate and have met incredible people... funny, smart, and a bit crazy like me.

I've started just doing whatever feels good in this alternate world. Many times I will put on an avatar of a male warrior with two swords... but I will just as easily dress up as a female character such as "Cherry Bomb" who is a roller derby girl... cute but rough and tumble too. I like this freedom and silliness... it is a great outlet for me. And i will get into character too... we have a great time.

This is me... or one alternate reality of me... I like that I can become so radically different in this crazy alternate universe. It is fun, magical, and fairly strange... but I love it!

This is my friend Auran who created the world that we are standing in and the avatar on the left. While we were there in cyberspace this evening, one of the newest creations of hers was reviled... but still in work and  not ready for the public... so I'm not going to show it until ready.  Auran does amazing work... and is a bit of a celebrity in our close knit group of friends.

 This is MondoCat. She is a very caring and loving person, and as genuine as you could ever hope to find. Sometimes we will run around and be giddy and silly, and other times we will sit and talk about the challenges life has given us and share our feelings. She has been a great emotional support for me... I only hope that I have been as helpful to her.

Everyone in this little circle of friends is very supportive... and as it says... AWESOME.

I have other worlds and friends that I also meet sometimes as well. Not quite as tightly connected, but we will say hello, chat and run around together having a great time. In tis world you can feed the ducks and geese. In others you can climb, swing, or just hang out.

It is usually a party every night... and so much fun that often during the day I can hardly wait to just be crazy with my friends. When my eyes get heavy we always hug and say good night... usually to the chant of, "Awwww... you just got here!"




So this is my little rag-tag group of misfit friends... and thay are all AMAZING!

2019 - So many changes. More on the way... hoping for the best.

So many changes since Eve left in 2017... I just didn't think to do any updates. Honestly... I'm not even sure if anyone reads these anymore... but I'll update it anyway. I have had an extremely busy year or so... often out in the field for a couple of months at a time... which was really taxing on me. I moved Carol (my second wife) here awhile ago... and she has been settling into the new life fairly well. At least my life (when I am home) has been more even keel.

Lots of work on the house

After Carol moved here I had to start doing work around the house... things had really fallen into disrepair as Eve was getting ready to leave and stopped doing things around the house. I had to replace much of the wood on the front where vines had dug in and rotted some of the lumber.

Carol working the garden.

Carol has been a trooper with doing garden work... really making some changes throughout the property. It has been great to have her here to help get things back on track. The yard looks so much different now... in some ways that is good, in other ways a big part of my former life has faded away.

Arizona

I did a lot of field work in Arizona... and I saw some incredible views. Some of the trips were amazing... I got to go places that most people never see. Much of the equipment is high up in the mountains... sometimes half a day just to drive there. Sometimes... you just can't drive.


   

So it was a very busy summer in 2018... and the momentum continued into the fall. At times I worked 18 and 20 hours a day over a week at a time. I really had very little time for myself, to do things around the house, do videos, whatever. That was very stressful after awhile.

At one point Eve and I got together for a week in New Orleans as I tried to help her get her shop together... as nobody there would or could get her machines operational. So I took a week and went there to help her out. In New Orleans you are either "in the clique" or you are not.. and if you you are not... people are not about to do much for you. They will say, "Oh we should get together..." but no... not gonna happen. A fact I am well aware of having lived there almost two decades.

In the long run... her first year there didn't go well... she was hemorrhaging money and none of her equipment was set up. So perhaps I'm just a nice guy, an idiot, a dreamer... or all the above... so I went there to set things up and help her out. I still do love her and care about her... to a fault.

Eve's Garage

She really tried to make the place a home... but as nice as parts of it looked, without her machines she was unable to sustain her craft. We also had some good time together... we still love each other... just that she can't seem to make it work with me... and I'm not going to tear up my life to move back to New Orleans... I spent what felt like a lifetime there...

New Orleans Riverboat

Eve's Workshop

He has an incredible workshop... 30x30 feet... built to work on trucks. So I spent a few days getting her CNC machine other things in working order. It felt good to help her out, and it was nice to spend some time with her without any arguments or fights. I wish it could have been like this all the time.

I'll be honest... it was like we went on the vacation that never happened... but it was a fairy-tale... not really sustainable... it really pulled at my heart because it was what I wanted... to do things with her... to be myself... to be creative... all the stuff that makes me who I really am.

At one point... she thought that perhaps we could work something out... I could spend some time there in New Orleans, and some time at home in Austin. She came to Austin to talk with Carol... I was hopeful that perhaps somehow it could actually work out. Perhaps the two of them could get along and both get what they wanted... for Eve, independence and to do her art... for Carol security and a place that she knew was her home.

Eve and Carol

I was hopeful that things would work... most of the day went very well... but then it all fell apart badly. It is so very unfortunate. And sad. We all have so much potential... I have things in common with both women... and both need me in their own way. But it is like fire and gasoline... they just don't mix very well. I really tried... it was a foolish endeavor... but then I suppose that I am a foolish dreamer at heart.

The really sad part is that it could work out... My first wife Terryann and I are great friends. Carol and her get along great for the most part. When Terryann has issues... her and Carol talk... and Carol is always finding little things to cheer her up. So yeah... I thought that could happen with Eve. Sadly... it did not.

At Terryann's for Christmas

 Carol and I go there to Terryann's for Christmas... we have a great time. It all works out. And in the summer, they come here and we go to the river. So I really wanted to work something out between Eve and Carol. It just won't happen... Eve neither likes Carol nor Terryann... even though both women have honestly tried to include her.

Eve's Booth at the Bethany Lutheran Church

Eve had her booth for the Christmas fair... same as in the last eight years... and needed help setting up and doing the event... so I was happy to come help her out... As much as I griped about it in the past... I really did enjoy showing off all her crafts. And we typically had a great time laughing and joking. I was happy that at least that did not come to an end... at least not this year.

Christmas Spirit

But after the event was over... we spent some time together... and it was just too difficult for her to handle. In her eyes... I should move to New Orleans into my own place... separate from her... and come to visit. But that is not how I imagine my life.

Sleeping in a separate bedroom... sure... I snore like crazy... but a separate house? At this time in my life? Pick up everything and move again? Pack up everything I own... leave and relocate Carol again... take on all the finances associated with that, and cause that kind of heartache?

No.

Just no.

Great Friends

Carol loves it here and has made wonderful friends. She says it is the best time in her life so far. I work hard... and to hear her call for me to come down because she has made lunch... how could I not like that? I have a life that works for me. It is not perfect... but I'm not fighting nearly every day either. And people have told me that I seem much less stressed too.

Maggie

We have a great little doggy now... and she makes life great... very loving. I mean... yeah... I miss the cats... but you know... I doubt they even realize I'm gone. They have Eve all to themselves... and you know... cats... right?

But yeah... I've had some rough times. My friend Mitch ended up moving to Hawaii this last year. As you may recall... he was the first person to come to me after Eve left... he helped me to start over. I doubt he will ever know just how much he helped me.

Jerry and Mitch at the river

I really miss him coming over to do some unusual project together... or just hanging out to make a GoPro video. It really saved me... kept me active. Between him moving, Eve leaving, and being on the road over 288 days... it took a toll on me... the stress of it all was nearly unbearable.

Chicken Parmesan at Nautilus Diner, Timonium  MD.

When I'm in the field all my rooms and meals are paid for... and when you look at the inside of hotel rooms for weeks on end... you need some comfort... unfortunately.. food... so the weight took a big hit... it jumped up about 40 pounds or so... and now I have to work it off. So yeah... rough year... and this year could go either way.

I'll stop for now... but hopefully it won't be quite so long until I do an update again.

I'll keep you posted.

Keep Positive... don't forget to have fun sometimes.

Going through some of what I have had to deal with lately... you need to stop once in awhile and remember to stop and have a good time. This video was taken last September... we only just got around to doing the edits.



This one is from Mitch Bergsma's channel... we sure had a lot of fun! I could barely walk the next day... but hey... you only live once... and bruses heal.


Get out there and do dumb stuff!

May 30 - Trim The Trees - Reboot the Garden

While Eve was at the house, she liked everything to have a "natural" look... so basically I was not allowed to trim back the trees or underbrush. When she left... I decided to start clearing it away, and to remove those branches and plants that threatened to damage the fence.

Additionally, having an HOA to deal with... the green algae and dirt that accumulates on the outside walls, mailbox, and fence needed to be removed. I had heard people complaining on FaceBook that the managers have been issuing $100 per-week fines for not having it cleaned up... and my neighborhood was next on the inspection list.

I did some major tree trimming... and called on some friends to help remove a big portion of it. Unfortunately... instead of getting there in the morning... they came about 2:30pm... so we only had enough time for two trips.

I'm really hoping they can make some more... with the traveling I'm doing... I really don't want to come home to a bunch of notices and fines. If I have to... I'll call a landscape company and have them do it... but that is going to be very expensive. I'd rather help my friends with some money before dropping major cash to someone I don't know.



Well... I guess I'll have to see how it all plays out.

May 19 - Cry, clean, and move forward day.

I woke up, looked around my room... which looks pretty much the same as it has for the last seven or so years... then I opened the door and stepped into what felt like a vacuum. It hit me pretty hard... pieces of trash and a former life scattered about.

My friend Mitch Bergsma offered to come spend some time with me... and I was so glad he did. I really needed to be with someone as I started over again... and he did an amazing job helping me to clean and make an otherwise empty box back into a home.

I still have a very long way to go...it is going to take months to totally rebuild and get everything finished. Amazing how many little things creep in and effect you.

But as for getting started... I really needed to get my head in a better place... divorce and separation are hard to go through... good friends really do make it easier.

Thanks Mitch... I really appreciate you!

May 18th... Moving Day - or the day my wife left me.

Today is a rough one.

The moving truck is here... and they are loading all of Eve's stuff to take it to New Orleans. Eve will be leaving, and my life will be changed forever. Again.

Eve started packing early in the month... the house slowly changed. Pieces of it's personality fading with every little bit. It was becoming less and less familiar every day.

Now today... everything changes... every minute it becomes more and more empty... more lonely.

One one hand a blank slate... on another... an empty shell of a former life.

Ouch.