May 19 - Cry, clean, and move forward day.

I woke up, looked around my room... which looks pretty much the same as it has for the last seven or so years... then I opened the door and stepped into what felt like a vacuum. It hit me pretty hard... pieces of trash and a former life scattered about.

My friend Mitch Bergsma offered to come spend some time with me... and I was so glad he did. I really needed to be with someone as I started over again... and he did an amazing job helping me to clean and make an otherwise empty box back into a home.

I still have a very long way to go...it is going to take months to totally rebuild and get everything finished. Amazing how many little things creep in and effect you.

But as for getting started... I really needed to get my head in a better place... divorce and separation are hard to go through... good friends really do make it easier.

Thanks Mitch... I really appreciate you!

May 18th... Moving Day - or the day my wife left me.

Today is a rough one.

The moving truck is here... and they are loading all of Eve's stuff to take it to New Orleans. Eve will be leaving, and my life will be changed forever. Again.

Eve started packing early in the month... the house slowly changed. Pieces of it's personality fading with every little bit. It was becoming less and less familiar every day.

Now today... everything changes... every minute it becomes more and more empty... more lonely.

One one hand a blank slate... on another... an empty shell of a former life.

Ouch.

May 2017 - The Big Change

It's May 1st today... and in only 18 days Eve will be moving out to start a new life in New Orleans without me. It's surreal... one day I am traveling along thinking that I will be with this partner for the rest of my life... that at long last, I will retire and grow old with someone I care about.

Then, everything is suddenly in a state of change... my life as I know it won't be the same.

My surroundings once familiar are now hard to deal with... I have to work on not letting depression take over.

Eve is getting ready to go... to migrate to New Orleans. For her it is like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. Being with me she became more creative... or more correctly I suppose, explored her creativity with more passion. Things went well until she discovered New Orleans... then no longer was Texas a viable place for her... and for me, moving there was not an option.

I lived there with my first wife Terryann... and for a short while with my second wife Carol. At the time I was very happy there... but now I have rivers to swim in, builders, creators, and supporters to allow me to be the person I want to be. Going to New Orleans just wouldn't be the same for me. And, as it was pointed out to me by Eve... she just doesn't have the same feelings for me as she once did. She wants to be friends... but as for lovers, mates, or even just living together... she feels that her creativity would be quenched.

I honestly wish her happiness... I am hopeful that she finds what she is looking for. It is hard to accept that no matter how hard I tried... it was never good enough. That I just could not give her what she needed here. When she saw this house, she fell in love with it... even though I didn't really want to live in an HOA, I thought... "This is really what she wants... and nobody has ever considered her needs first before."

My needs are pretty simple... I need a workshop and an office to call my own where I can think and work things out. Beyond that, everything else is trivial. So I thought I had finally made her dreams come true. It's hard to realize that...no. I didn't. That she would rather move away and start a new life than continue on this path with me.

At this point I can only work on looking forward, being a gentleman, helping her transition out, and staying focused on my work do that I don't get overly depressed.

The next two weeks I work hard... on the third week... my world collapses.

On the fouth week... I guess I start to rebuild.

Again.

A third time.