I haven't written here for a while so I thought I would jot down some things... just a short post really.
To keep myself occupied I have been tinkering in VRCHAT, and I learned that I could do some cinematic effects using the streaming camera within the game.
Just me driving around and testing the different views... it was a fun experiment. I'd like to think I'll come up with an idea of a short film or something... probably not... who knows.
My daughter Rebecca came to live with me, money has been tight... I don't think she has a concept that I pay for everything. That gets a bit stressful. Today she left a note that she was going to Galveston TX... basically a 4-hour drive... 8-hours round trip on my 2003 Pontiac Vibe. Then texts me that she has a dead battery and no money for gas. I'm tired of dealing with stress.
Work has been another stress that I don't need. It's like I can't stay focused... I'm working on very complex projects and I get, "hurry up" or in the middle of my day I get pulled to two other projects then back, and I forget things. It's bad enough that they are having me stop design work and do training videos and stuff. I mean, yeah, that's easy work... but I feel like I'm being put out to pasture.
The kicker is, I just refinanced my house... it should give me a $300 a month break... but Rebecca is pulling $400 to $700 and I just can't support that. And, my house won't be paid off until I'm 92. (Yeah... like I'm gonna make it that long.)
It's hard to realize the best part of your life was so-so for the most part... and now you are in decline. I don't know what I am going to do to break this feeling... but I feel like the part that is "me" is starting to fade away leaving a shell. That is simply not survivable... something needs to change.
I took some pride in a school in Africa where I was helping to teach many students... for a couple years I supported them as much as I could... sending a 3D printer, Oculus, digital projector, and cameras so they could do YouTube videos. I couldn't get them to do regular videos... I wanted to get them to the point where they had an income... but always excuses. Always some reason for not doing things.
The final straw was that the leader of the school was doing some things that I consider to be unethical. So I'm done with them permanently. I have some independent students I'm trying to help... but as I said, with Rebecca here I am severely limited now.
So yeah... pretty much where I'm at right now.
Change is good.
ReplyDeletePersonal growth is a great kind of change. Part of that growth is purging your world of the toxic personalities that are all about injecting negativity into your world. Another part of that growth is to rid yourself of the parasites that tend to latch onto big-hearted people. They give little and serve only to extract more time, energy, expertise, wealth, etc. from givers.
Congratulations on cutting ties with the African school. Perhaps it is better to lead your independent students with a carrot and stick. Help to your ability and desire to do so but always do so with an expectation of results. Your time, energy, and income are finite. The space in an orchard is equally finite. There is no room in the orchard for trees that fail to produce. They suck up water and nutrients from the soil and compete for sunlight that could better be used by productive trees. There is a name for these unproductive trees. They are called fuelwood.
Generous people tend to suffer from a personality flaw that drives them to help, to give without expectation of any return. The result is called, I am told, enabling. The recipients of our generosity become ever more dependent upon us. When we run short of wealth or time, we leave the takers no better able to care for themselves than before we started to help.
You deserve better. Go out and find it.