Saturday, September 10, 2016

October/September 2016 - Another Major Life change

I haven't posted on here in a very long time... the last year has meant a great deal of traveling. After Eve had her gallbladder removed, she underwent many changes. Unfortunately one of them was that she lost any desire to be with me as a husband and wife. She wanted to "just be friends"... to live together but interact only as I would with anyone else.

I thought this would dissipate... and I honestly tried to do for her what I thought she needed. I supported her artwork, I took care of all the bills for the home, and I pretty much tried to give her time to heal. I am only human... sometimes I got upset... tried to hold it in... but that never really works.

We would argue and fight... I would really try to get past it and "give her space"... but it never seemed enough, and I never quite got it right I suppose. One day, I made a post on FaceBook just saying what was on my mind, what had happened, how I felt. It was a stupid thing to do... and her daughter pointed it out to me... that it seemed like an attack more than anything else. I took down the post... but the damage was done. Eve never forgave me for that.

I tried for the remainder of the year to do the best I could, to give to her, to support her... but on Labor Day Weekend we went to lunch... I could see that she was not happy... and I tried to cheer her up. I asked her what was wrong... and she started to talk about how much she loved New Orleans... how much she wanted to be an artist there... how she was going to move there.

I had lived in New Orleans... and I had moved on... I like it here in Texas... I have my friends, my events, robotics groups, so much stuff to do. Swimming, in the river is something that relaxes me when I get upset... very important for my mental health. And I have tried for the last few years to get Eve to come with me... but she no longer takes trips with me... she stays at home and works on her crafts.

I noticed that she had said, "when I move" instead of "if I could move"... and I asked her about that... her reply was one that I was not expecting. She said, "I am not happy here, I am not happy with you. I don't want to be here, and I don't want to be with you. I want to be in New Orleans... that is where I am meant to be... I am going to sell my art there and make a living. I thought you would come with me, but I see that isn't going to work... so I am going to leave you and live there by myself."

I was not expecting that. I thought that we would be together forever... I honestly did.

I bought this house because Eve thought it was charming... it is, and we got a great deal on it... but still... I bought it for Eve... to show her I loved her enough to do anything to make her happy. I promised myself that no matter what... I would care for Eve and provide for her. And in my heart... I feel that I have always worked to do that.

In her heart, she feels that I am oppressive... unyielding... an angry man.
A man that even if I were to move, she can no longer live with.

I cannot change her mind, she will not forgive me of past wrongs. Her mind is fixed and she will move as soon as she finds the means. For her it means taking everything of hers to Louisiana, getting a house, and starting over alone. For me it means watching my love drive away, and leaving me with an empty house and empty dreams. To start over... the end of a third marriage... and at 56,  to an uncertain future, and to an empty and lonely house that was once a home.

She added so much here... her CNC, the sandblasting shed, her artistic ability and creativity, doing the craft fairs, the garden with the soft sounds of wind chimes. The whole charm of the home... all the paintings and photographs, her garden and landscape, and all the memories of all that we had done, starting over together... and now it is done.

I cannot walk down the stairs or through the yard without holding back tears. Every nuance... every memory. I don't hold the anger... or I try not to... I always try to start every day fresh. I suggested that perhaps she could get an apartment there... gather her sales orders... come home and work on them, then return. An unusual idea to be sure... but then we could retire together in the home we had built for each other.

But it is not to be.

I must get ready to face the next chapter of my life alone. Possibly the only thing in the world that really frightens me... nobody to lean on, nobody to console me, no more running downstairs to say, "honey...look what I created!" And even harder still... nobody to come up here almost evey new day and say to me, "look at what I made today!"

No smiling face in the morning ready to go for coffee... nobody to hold... nobody to share my everyday with. Nobody to argue with, to remind me to go to the gym... to live with me.

Wow... we got married the Christmas of 2013... so this is 3 years in... the shortest I have ever been married. And as a side note... DO NOT EVER get married on Christmas. For the rest of my life... every Christmas Eve... I will remember standing at the wind chime tree promising to care for her forever... every Christmas... every year.

I hope that I can get through this.

I must.

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